Trials and errors of being a dominatrix

Join me as I share stories from my short lived life as a Domme. From learning how to use a strap on, peeing on people and crushing folks. 

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Instagram: @lewd.and.loud
Website: https://thedickden.buzzsprout.com/
Email: thedickden.lewd@gmail.com

Transcript

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Welcome to the Dickin Podcast. It is about to get weird friends. I'm your Luden loud host, Rachel z Lingham, masseuse, sex educator, breast cancer, thriver fun gal sitting in a room full of dicks talking dicks butts and all things sex. It is Wiener Wednesday, so that means it is time for a new episode. Honestly, I had no idea what I wanted to talk about, but a friend of mine said, Hey, I really wanna know more about things you did as a dominatrix and why you decided that wasn't for you. And I was like, fuck yeah. I love telling stories. Let's talk about it. I felt really prepared, I really felt like being a dominatrix was something I could do. I had spent a ton of time doing the research part. What is B D S M? What makes a good dominatrix? What are some of the kinks and fetishes involved? What kind of things would I be doing? How do I set up a scene? How do I. negotiate boundaries and set safe words on paper. I felt really, really prepared. Physically, I felt really prepared. When you think of dominatrix, especially me, I always think of like a tall, strong, domineering women, and that's probably because that's what we see most commonly in porn and media. visual imagery that comes to mind. And I fit that to a T. This was a time in my life where my hair, I was completely bald from cancer. My hair had just started to. To grow in past the baby eagle stage. When completely bald, something you don't realize is like when your hair comes back, it comes back at all these like varying lengths and I literally looked like a baby eagle. If you don't know what that looks like, Google it. And you're left with a funny image. So I had finally gotten past Baby Eagle stage and I was rocking like a pretty hot, short pixie, like think like GI Jane. My body has always been really kind of athletic and Amazon. With the short hair and the reconstructed breasts and the height, especially when I was in heels, I very much fit physically the idea of like a tall, strong, domineering woman. Two at, and let's be honest, I loved wearing latex. But there is so much more than latex, a sassy attitude being bossy. and being domineering that go into B D S M. Those are the things that we instantly think of, right? But there's so much more in regards to setting boundaries, scenes, role play, aftercare, just so much more. And that was what I was not prepared for and found to not be a good fit, but, There were some things that I was really attracted to within the B D S M world. I liked the kink and the fetishes that I was learning about. I really liked the power exchange and the kind of power dynamic, and I really found like the more sensual to be more my. Which is which is how I ended up in Lingham, massage and edging and teas in denial. But that is not what we're talking about today. Today I just wanna share some stories about some of the things I did. My absolute and number one request was pegging, which is. using a strap-on on someone else in their boaty hole. And I already knew men like butt stuff, but I was really surprised by how many men were interested in pegging. I initially wasn't very good at a strap-on the only experience I had had real life with the strap on was when I had dated a. I really liked the strap on on me, but when it was my turn, I felt like I was clumsy and fumbly and couldn't get the angle right. I certainly couldn't get the rhythm right. And when men say that like sex is of a lot of work, if you've ever had a man just like sweating and dripping on top of you, that's because that shit. Hard. Okay. There was a whole set of muscles that in my butt and thighs and legs that I was unaware of that became sore once I started doing butt fucking. But one thing was very clear. I needed to get better at working on strap on before I could. Actually charge people to do that. So ever resourceful. I put out an ad on Craigslist in the casual encounters and I decided to take some pro bono sessions to just kind of experiment and see. If I could get better and learn some things right to get in some practice time. there were no, there were no shortage of men who responded. Again, another indication of how many men are interested in curious and but stuff. And that is because my friend's butt holes are magical on both sides of the fence. The prostate is a male G spot. and I cannot say enough good things about men, but stuff, but I digress. One of the most memorable stories I had from this trial and error period of pegging, I met this man at his office building like way late at night. It was probably like midnight or. I roll up and parking lot's, completely empty. Knock on the side door. We're texting. I sneak in. We go into his office. and the only place to butt fuck is on the floor. Look, if you're gonna be doing that on carpet, you really need to wear knee pads or have a pillow or something. But I hadn't even thought of that, right? I just showed up with the strap on and lube and was good to go. So we are doing the thing on the floor in this office building in the middle of the night. He is loving it. I'm trying to practice my rhythm and my keeping it slow. My butt cheeks are just like excruciatingly sore. This is a set of muscles that I have never worked out so much. Pro tip, do squats and do some thrusting if you're gonna do this cause. but be sore, We are in this office building and we're doing it right and he is loving it, moaning, having a good time. He's got a strong ass erection and all of a sudden we see some lights from like underneath the door. and we're both like, oh fuck, what is that? Turns out it was the cleaning crew. So we quickly like pop up, turn the lights off. I'm sitting there, strap on on his butthole is like greedy and ready for more. And we are just waiting for the time to pass before the cleaning crew leaves and hopefully, fingers crossed we go unnoticed now, it would be weird for me in that situation if I got discovered by the cleaning crew, but way weirder for him. I don't work at this place. They finally leave and we get done doing the thing nope, never again in an office building lesson learned home visits only home or hotel visits only from this point out. Now there I. Bfd, plenty of men during this trial period, and I felt really confident about the rhythm and the motion. I had been wearing my strap on around the house all the time, humping. Everything to get this right. I was humping the couch, trying different angles, different positions, humping the bed, humping the countertops, humping the fridge with one leg up. Heaven forbid, someone in my neighborhood was walking by and saw me humping all these things, but I felt really good about that part. Another requests that I was getting a lot of, probably because of my build, were the more physical things. Now, this is a subgenre that I didn't even know existed. I always called it squeezing. I know there is a different name for it, but essentially I would get a lot of requests for men to be squeezed between my thighs until they tap out or almost pass out. I really liked that. It was fun. I discovered, you know what? I have some strong ass eyes and I can probably crush a watermelon. I haven't ever tried it. I have broken a few ribs, so my legs were strong. Never had I been so proud of my thick ass thighs than when I was squishing a man. Some other things that I had tried were more water sports. I only had one experience I had to pee on someone and I was so nervous about it all the way there. I was just like chugging water, chugging water, chugging water, so that there would be no doubt of whether I could squat over this man and piss on him. When I arrived, it was seriously this has to happen and this has to happen now. I was like doing the peepee dance and water sports wasn't really my thing either, but I can understand and I wanna be clear, I'm not. Doing any kink shaming or fetish shaming here, because there, one thing I've learned throughout the sex industry is that people are into so many things, and just because that's not your thing doesn't mean that that's is shameful or a. Thing. It just wasn't my thing. And I can definitely understand the lure of water sports, it's warm, it's wet, it's kind of humiliating. I don't know if, somebody, if a partner asked me to pee on them or wanted to pee on me, would I let'em? Yeah, sure. I'd give it a go. I'd give it a go at least once, probably twice. I'm always willing to give most things, a couple of tries to see whether I like it or not. Another thing that I experienced a lot of requests for was cock and ball torture. And I mean, let's be honest, it's kind of fun to kick somebody in the balls. I have pretty strong legs, but pain isn't something that I really connected with either. Again, I see the attraction. I see the lure of it, but it wasn't really something that I felt comfortable with. I kept realizing the more and more stuff I was being asked to do, and the more and more fetishes and kinks that I was discovering. I was definitely so attracted to the power exchange and the more sensual side of things instead of the Pain and control. Pain bossy. I also had a little bit of experience with chastity, which was fun. I had this client once who wanted me to put him in chastity, and I also had a lot of experience with. Cross-dressing and ation, which I will say that I totally understand why men like to wear women's panties because they are soft and they're silky and they hug and they caress. And honestly, I I like kinda like a man and women's underwear, so, and Hosie, like, I totally get it. But I got asked to do a lot of that too. and all of these things were things that were fun and would I do them again? Absolutely. Yeah. Most of them probably. But what I didn't find that I liked about being a dom was all the role play and work and scene setting and negotiation and aftercare that went into it and it felt. Just really way too performative, and I couldn't ever like successfully land into character. So for me, that just kind of sucked all the fun out of it. But I was really attracted to certain elements of B D S M, the power exchange, the control, the gentle acts of submission. What I also learned is that, I don't really like super needy submissive men. That was a lot of my experience too, and a lot of this was my failure to set boundaries about what was acceptable and what wasn't. So I wasn't very firm and aware of the need to set boundaries. In A B D S M relationship, generally you expect the dominant to make all the rules, to set the scene to to, have everything ready. But a lot of times the submissive comes with a fantasy and a request. Sometimes this very certain script and a lot of times what we think about B D S M is the submissive is the one who is not in control, but the submissive has a lot of power in the things that are acceptable and the scene. But there were tons of things that I did really like in that genre. Ultimately for me, I decided that being a dom in that sense was something I was not cut out for. It was just sucking all the fun at it. And I wasn't a natural at it. I didn't like it. you can totally tell when your partner is not into it, and that was how I felt being in the Dom role, although I did really like the latex and the heels and certain elements of the power exchange. Ultimately what I found was for me was the more sensual approach. I know if you don't have any experience in B D S M, and I've just told you all these stories about what I did and kind of the extremes and the things I don't like, you're like, fuck. Well, maybe, maybe B D S M is not for me. There are definitely elements that everybody can explore, so I want to also share some tips and secrets of how you can kind of start to explore these things without going to extremes. First, talk to your partner, have a conversation about a fantasy or a kink. Or a fetish. Do this outside of the bedroom. That way, there's no. Shaming and nobody feels vulnerable and raw. Maybe pick out a porn that you like or play a sexy adult game, or just ask questions and figure out Hey, what is it that you were into, or what do you wanna try? Talk about it. Set the scene, something that was really beneficial for me were blindfolds because I felt really uncomfortable playing this bossy, role dominant role. While the other person was like looking at me in the eyes, it made me feel nervous. So a blindfold is a really great way to incorporate that, throw a blindfold on your partner, and that way you're free to explore and dive into these roles and really get into the moment. Out the other person looking at you in the eyes. Plus, you know, the sense of sight being restricted is really sexy sometimes.